Book of Johnny

For the Flying Spaghetti Monster so loved the world, that he gave one of his only begotten Meatballs, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have meat everlasting. (Johnny Spaghetti: 2:6)

The Book of Johnny Spaghetti

The Word Made Meat

1 In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and the Word was the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
2 The same was in the beginning with the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
3 All things were made by him; and without him was not any thing made that was made.
4 In him was life; and the life was the light of men.
5 And the light shineth in darkness; and the darkness comprehended it not.
6 There was a man sent from the Flying Spaghetti Monster, whose name was Johnny Spaghetti.
7 The same came for a witness, to bear witness of the Light, that all men through him might believe.
8 He was not that Light, but was sent to bear witness of that Light.
9 That was the true Light, which lighteth every man that cometh into the world.
10 He was in the world, and the world was made by him, and the world knew him not.
11 He came unto his own, and his own received him not.
12 But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, even to them that believe on his name:
13 which were born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
14 And the Word was made meat, and dwelt among us, (and we beheld his glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the FSM,) full of grace and truth.
15 Johnny Spaghetti bare witness of him, and cried, saying, This was he of whom I spake, He that cometh after me is preferred before me; for he was before me.
16 And of his fullness have all we received, and grace for grace.
17 For the law was given by the Flying Spaghetti Monster, but grace and truth came by The Holy Meatball.
18 No man hath seen the Flying Spaghetti Monster at any time; the two begotten Meatballs, which is in the bosom of the FSM, he hath declared him.

The Testimony of Johnny Spaghetti (Blessed be His Memory—BbHM)

19 And this is the record of Johnny Spaghetti, when the Mangiacakes sent priests from Peoria to ask him, Who art thou?
20 And he confessed, and denied not; but confessed, I am not the Holy Meatball.
21 And they asked him, What then? Art thou the Flying Spaghetti Monster ? And he sayeth, I am not. Art thou that Prophet ? And he answered, No.
22 Then said they unto him, Who art thou? that we may give an answer to them that sent us. What sayest thou of thyself?
23 He said, I am the voice of one crying in a pasta plate,
Make straight the way of the Flying Spaghetti Monster,
as said the prophet I say yar.
24 And they which were sent were of the Mangiacakes.
25 And they asked him, and said unto him, Why baptizest thou then, if thou be not the Holy Meatball, nor the Flying Spaghetti Monster, neither that Prophet?
26 Johnny Spaghetti answered them, saying, I baptize with sauce: but there standeth one among you, whom ye know not;
27 he it is, who coming after me is preferred before me, whose linguini I am not worthy to twirl on my fork.
28 These things were done in Bethlehem beyond Pittsburgh, where Johnny Spaghetti was baptizing.

Behold the Holy Meatball of the Flying Spaghetti Monster

29 The next day Johnny Spaghetti seeth one of the Meatballs coming unto him, and sayeth, Behold the Holy Meatball, which taketh away the sin of the world!
30 This is he of whom I said, After me cometh a Meatball which is preferred before me; for he was before me.
31 And I knew him not: but that he should be made manifest to Mangiacakes, therefore am I come baptizing with sauce.
32 And Johnny Spaghetti bare record, saying, I saw the Holy Meatball descending from heaven like a dove, and it abode upon him.
33 And I knew him not: but he that sent me to baptize with sauce, the same said unto me, Upon whom thou shalt see the Holy Meatball descending, and remaining on him, the same is he which baptizeth with the Holy Meatball.
34 And I saw, and bare record that this is the Holy Meatball.

The First Disciples

35 Again the next day after, Johnny Spaghetti stood, and two of his disciples;
36 and looking upon the Meatball as he walked, he sayeth, Behold the Holy Meatball!
37 And the two disciples heard him speak, and they followed the Holy Meatball.
38 Then the Holy Meatball turned, and saw them following, and sayeth unto them, What seek ye? They said unto him, Meatball, (which is to say, being interpreted, Holy Meatball,) where dwellest thou?
39 He sayeth unto them, Come and see. They came and saw where he dwelt, and abode with him that day: for it was about the tenth hour.
40 One of the two which heard Johnny speak, and followed him, was Andy, Simon and Pete’s brother.
41 He first findeth his own brother Simon, and sayeth unto him, We have found the Messiah, which is, being interpreted, the Holy Meatball.
42 And he brought him to the Holy Meatball. And when the Holy Meatball beheld him, he said, Thou art Simon the son of Jona: thou shalt be called Farfalle, which is by interpretation, A bow-tie.

Chapter 2

1 And it came to pass that Johnny Spaghetti travelled long and far with the Holy Meatball.
2 The disciples did sayeth to Johnny Spaghetti: Johnny we are hungry for a tasty Meatball.
3 Johnny and the disciples took notice that the Flying Spaghetti Monster held within his great bosom not one Meatball, but two.
4 So Johnny Spaghetti and his disciples partook of one of the Meatballs
5 And so it was that one of the Flying Spaghetti Monster’s meatballs became the Holy Meatball
6 For the Flying Spaghetti Monster so loved the world, that he gave one of his only begotten Meatballs, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have meat everlasting
7 Thus did the disciples not go hungry, nor did they perish
8 Thus was there meat for all to eat

Chapter 3

The Miracle of the Meatball

1 So Johnny and the disciples partook of the flesh of the Holy Meatball
2 And they were nourished by the flesh and by the Meat
3 Johnny Spaghetti did gave thanks to the Flying Spaghetti Monster
4 And the Flying Spaghetti Monster was pleased that Johnny Spaghetti was thankful for the flesh of His Holy Meatball
5 And there was sauce for all
6 But it came to pass that the Flying Spaghetti Monster became morose at the loss of His meatball
7 The Flying Spaghetti Monster contemplated creating a new Meatball as He was no longer whole, being with only a single meatball
8 For the Flying Spaghetti Monster is all powerful and all holy and creating a new Meatball is in His domain
9 But on the eve of the fourth day of the Consumption, Johnny Spaghetti passed from his mortal a body a brown irregular spheroid
10 And all present could see the miracle that had manifested
11 For after three full days of nourishment the Holy Meatball had returned in flesh and in Meat
12 And the Holy Meatball was returned to His Father, the Host, and Flying Spaghetti Monster
13 And it was a miracle
14 Z’all!